"Koga Koalition, because of Kellogg's serious lack of effort, we're making the K special again."

:::[30.Aug.08]:::

My biggest motivation as of late, is to just figure out what i want outta my life. Cause its really only up to me.. Funny how sometimes things get dropped into your lap without even asking:

Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules for For Living –

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
   1. Respect for self
   2. Respect for others
   3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

:::[29.Aug.08]:::

this has been a very trying summer. I was forced to let go of something i desired greatly. this became a journey that started with drowning and became learning to tread water again.

now my path puts me back in the water. I gave myself hope. I Forgave the unforgiving. My folly was putting forth to much faith. I got sent home from work monday cause i couldn't keep it together.. i hadnt slept all night and it was severly impacting those that counted on me. I was gurgling on water again after thinking things had changed.. only to find myself battered but knowing now i need to hold true to myself. have faith in myself and trust that my gut is only looking out for me. fall off and get hurt once.. hey things happen. get hurt again, shame on me. But, i Tried. :) and i'll try more than most of you.

I'm weary. I'm exhausted. i'm finding that no matter how i put a wrench to things the situation it still isn't correcting the issue. This is the moment i tell most people to put it down.. walk away.. let it be. The situations sometimes isnt about wrenching it.. sometimes the source of the issue is beyond what you can accomplish with your hands. Sometimes the more you meddle the worse the problem becomes. ask yourself "what is this going to help?" take your hand off the wheel. I've been spending alot of time by myself and have many good things to show from it. my desire now is to continue that & ramp up the legacies i've created and renew the ANDY that you all know. :)

laugh when you can, apologize when you should
& let go of what you can't change
kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly
take chances, give everything & have no regrets.
life's too short to be anything but happy

:::[17.Aug.08]:::

There was a knot in my gut.. something formed long ago that recent events have undone with the ease of putting peanut butter in the hair of a kid who had bubblegum in their hair.. its like the world shifted right, it was wobbley as hell on its axis causing my to feel quesy but trying to maintain, cause all i could do was tell myself to just "truck on" one foot in front of the other.. someday i'd be ok.. but i knew it wasnt gonna be soon.

Faith. Trust. Pixie Dust.

Follow your heart; have faith that dreams can come true.. that you never have to settle in life.. and with enough perseverance anything is possible to attain. Trust your gut; rarely will it lead you astray & many times you'll find that weird feeling coulda kept you outta harms way had you listened.. Magic is real. Maybe not in a sword and Socery magic missle kinda way.. but sometimes things are too Serendipitous, too coincidental to be just written off as bs.. things happen for a reason.. be patient. Dont rush, and many times the peices will fall together for you.

:::[05.Aug.08]:::

Dear Andy,

• People never change.
• Honesty requires acceptance.
• Forgiveness requires understanding.
• Respect & trust are things not deserved.. But earned.
• Loyalty require reciprocation.
• It's my own fault i'm battered. It's my hand holding the rope that is tied to the truck.. I just have so much faith in trucks.
• You may not be able to change the core equation.. but you can always add or remove variables.
• There are no mistakes only really bad judgement.

:::[03.Aug.08]:::

Lately i"ve been trying to figure out something.. who the fuck am i anymore.. seems like everytime i get a handle on it, it all changes. Thats when i kinda realized, i'm the product of my environment. I'm the reaction to my situation. But with something like that, how can one possibley get a handle on what is static. Easy. Truths. Things that never cease no matter what variables are in play nearby. The creek may change its path but the water is still present. So what am i now..

:::[25.July.08]:::

Question everything.. nothing is ever as it claims is it?

:::[22.July.08]:::

It's coming.. i've been working hard.. this has been my deadline, my goal.. my life recently...

The 4th annual "Ye Olde Pirate Party"

Dress like a pirate and climb aboard.

Invite Only, no scallywags or scurvydogs!

Bring yer own grog and meats for the grill, we be filling table with fruits and eats, and if ye like ta contribute we be much abliged.
Pirate croquet begins around 6.

Much lollygagging and merry making to be had.

We'll be having an OPTIONAL raffle for everything a new buccaneer will need for a proper plundering.

Click here to see the plunder!!!

:::[11.July.08]:::

Huge life changes have been happening lately, and to really up the ante, today is my last day at Pocketinet. It's been way fun and educational, but there is sunshine on the horizon, so as much of a hard descision this has been, it's for the best, and shall make things easier in the future.. but for now my deadlines have been ramped up and my lists of things to accomplish have been bigger.. SO much, so little time.. the drunken parrot? the cackling barnacle? the Plunder Inn? what should the house be? gas stove in TC, pot rack. fire pit.. grow plants.. dammit grow!! fuck i gotta water again? SHea's in town. *sigh* lights.. netting..candle holders. porthole, wheel? flags-check. flagpole. pirates.. pirates.. PYrates..

:::[24.June.08]:::

Every angle of my life right now is heaving. So much upheaval.. be it for good or bad, seems to be happening all at once. The result? mental overload.. for the past few days i've felt "high" for lack of a better discription. Just daydreamy and half here. Like i can't keep a train of thought and forget things all the time. where am i? wtf? I'm starting to realize now it's my minds way of not cracking.. i basically floated off the ground and disengaged my reality clutch. It feels weird.. but then again, so does shock. Ever gone into shock? it's almost euphoric. So much on my plate i've gotta figure out how i'm gonna chew up and deal with. where is my mind? THere is a cable unplugged..i feel disconnected, like neo in that white room.. come in cpt. blipto...

:::[18.June.08]:::

Things I learned over a weekend:

• Carlo Rossi doesnt float.
• Sometimes a LOSS, could be the gaining of the absence of something you didn't need..
• Things are not always what they seem.. & almost never are they there by mistake
• When a Tribal Shaman hands you a pipe... you dont say no.
• Know your limits, else others may end up carrying your weight.
• Friends should call more than when they just need something.

Nothing is a mistake. The world has a way of putting you where you need to be.. whether you know it at the time or not.. I just need to make sure i have the wisdom to look at the situations presented in the right light to see the rhyme and reason of the purpose. I stood under a magnifying glass on saturday morning with the cayuse tribe, i was invited to join in a religious ceremony on tribal holy land. It was a place that should just be on the xFiles.. but in that situation, you can nay say and guess all you like.. but denying what's there, is impossible. Some things you just shouldnt try to expain. But alot of enlightment came to me in the sun that day. Smile about the vinegar. It is what it is, and sometimes there's more than you think.. you just arent looking close enough.

From Tribal ceremonies to Rice krispies on the boat.. this weekend was like a tryst with the sun. :) Now my eyes feel open. It;s time to really look around.

:::[01.June.08]:::

Beautiful: Flyleaf covers my favorite NIN track :

Doesnt matter how many toys someone buys, new computers accuired, $$, houses, wealth, accomplishments.. it's still easy to feel that void. That exteriorLy induced emOtion altering, behaVior modifying, biochemical rEaction i've found I absolutely live for it.. and i don't regret it. It makes nothing else matter. It's all you really need.
"These stages are characterized by constant cravings and preoccupation with obtaining the substance; using more of the substance than necessary to experience the intoxicating effects; and experiencing tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, and decreased motivation for normal life activities." The similarities between seemingly unrelated things are amazing to me.

:::[30.May.08]:::

I'm half asleep today.. it's putting my emotional chemicals on overdrive and setting my sensitivity on high.. it's like all those little things that normally go unnoticed i can smell today.. even the lack of, I hone in on like a blood hound. Some people out there have an impressive ability to completely shut off their emotions and let the logistical side of them to dominate how their feet land on the path.. but if you can't feel how do you know you are alive?

:::[27.May.08]:::

What's life without living? Lately i've lost a lot.. i've thrown in and watched my efforts render the worst results.

I spent the last day in a casino blowing $$ both outta my pocket and others. I was down, finacially and emotionally, but for some reason I just kept trying, ignoring the fact that my luck has long since run out.

My friend is always happy to just be where he is, but this time he was way up and feeling lucky. He handed me $15 & sent me to the blackjack table.. it was there I sat, in almost familiar comfort. next to me was an old man in a wheel chair that was getting the worst cards on the table.. but ceaselessly throwing in $40 bets.. his 2 daughters more than once cautione him to take it easy.. 'i'm over 90 yr old.. let me live ;)'

That struck a chord.. and that's when I noticed that for the first time this whole weekend I was up.. in fact I repaid all my debts, all cause I finally followed to my gut feeling, sought what was comfy and just makes Sense.

When the payoffs are so big, I'll return to the table no matter how heavy the losses. Cause when I win it feels incredible. But, to lose so heavily it rings a note of defeat that will just linger for a long time. I cant walk away on a badnote.. And its that mentality that keeps me sucked in.

:::[21.May.08]:::

Progress. hope. It's amazing what loss will teach you about what truely is important to you. My gut usually knows the truth of things before my head wants to accept it. progress.. faith. Things have to be ok, eventually. They have to even out. I feel like lately, i've been chasing a rainbow. But what would life be if we didn't try for what we dreamed? Maybe someday i'll catch my rainbow.. someday. Faith. hope.. they bring restfull sleep..

I'm self indulgant. I am the grasshopper. I'm going to do what feels good and strum my fiddle untill it kills me. Like a Heroin junkie i keep tapping the vein even knowing full well that it's gonna hurt later. But whats life without living. How do you get XP without EXPeriencing? Better to love and lose then never know love. Would i really be the andy you guys know if i didn't take the risk, take the gamble..

Misunderstanding is the root of all things gone wrong.. not knowing is the shadow that breeds insecurity and worry. My gut gets whats really going on.. but will my head actually do the right thing about it? I feel the world shift, the tide pull from me, the wind shift direction from my sails. Silence and distance, isolation.. things wouldnt happen unless they needed to, so i'm being understanding..

Relax.. relax.. chill.. breathe.. relax dammit..

:::[06.May.08]:::

My fone just ate shit but i got it up and running.. it just lost all numbers.. contact me if you dont hear from me..

that said.. things are ok. My kitchen is coming along, i'm getting a new lapop.. i found solar tiki torches that look real, and i'm very grateful for the things i have.. doesnt mean i still dont have bad dreams and wake myself in a bad way.. life's like surfing, sometimes you catch the wave.. sometimes it catches you. but like the tide it'll all even out.

:::[22.Apr.08]:::

Sometimes you just need a reminder that its not just life.. it's a comic book. its a fairytale.. if you make it. The only rule in life is what a man CAN do, and what he can't do.. I left and cleared my head, i came back feeling accomplished for the first time in a long while :)

:::[02.Apr.08]:::

Music is incredible. As are all the people in my life.. new and old. THeres been a huge flux of strength in reminder of what i once was and helpful hands handing my the tools I need to clear the rubble from the foundation of what i am, so that i may rebuild :)

Lately there has been many realizations, mostly about personal character. There's alot that happened and like most fires i've walked away from theres been damage done, but alot learned as well. I think one of my greatest fears is really that i bring more frustration to people than I relieve. Not to say that i feel personally responsible for peoples frustration, but i give shit. I don't wanna see people i like have greivances and issues.. not if i can help in some way. But, it's these times when i feel like i'm trying to help, and find that either i'm not, and that work has been for nothing.. or that i'm just straight making it worse. It makes that fun feeling hit the bottom of your stomach like you just ate a hunk of concrete. The important thing i've realized is my intentions have always been sincere. In the right equation with the right surrounding variables, this equation is gonna work. It has to:) It HAS. If it didn't then the story sucks.. and i'm not about to be living a crappy comic:D. I believe in fAte, fairytales.. the STORY. There's WAY too many circumstances to just write things off as "coincidence".. It's something i hold blind faith in, and it's yet to let me down. I am the grasshopper.. and i will fiddle untill it kills me.. but i"ll be smilin.

blip blip ... blip blip ... blip blip ... blip blip ...

:::[18.Mar.08]:::

A punch is thrown, you move, parry the attack and counter attack. Somone has their arms outstreched, gaurd is down open to let you in,.. you return with putting your gaurd aside and letting them in as well.. hug. Two very different scenario's each with an appropriate reaction. Problem is sometimes someone you really care about comes at you angry, with the outward approach of intent to harm.. natural instict? fight mode.. but the right reaction. open up. let them in.. smother the fire with a blanket of comfort. It's just hard, i know that. It's always hard to side step instinct, but sometimes it can lead to a better connection. Honesty requires trust and its hard to trust anything when your instinct switches to fight / flight. But trust takes faith. Hold faith. Give faith.. you'll gain trust.

:::[16.Mar.08]:::

Woke up in a fog.. it was a hazy day where i was having trouble just making sense of my own thoughts. It was like i was stuck on auto pilot. By 4pm grant had the kitchen half painted and we were headed to tricities to hit the skate park there.

About the time we hit pasco, some wildman in a red honda was blazing up my tailpipe.. It was one guy driving and another girl in the passenger seat.. riding me like he couldnt read the paper in the back of my car.. then he'd back off, and jam up on me.. back off to the right.. the left.. back up on me.. then over to the next lane, pushing and trying to get through traffic.

At the point where he finally got past us, i suggested to grant we get his license number and get this guy heckled.. but he was floorboarding it at 100 mph. Red honda.. oregon plates..

About 4 miles down the road everyone was pulling over.. thought we had a cop or something.. then we saw the carnage.. There was a red car, make was indiscernable because of how many peices is was in. We ran across the roadand immediately saw *shudder* everything.. there was a girl lying face down amongst cat parts.. her leg was a few feet away. i was trying to just figure out what was what.. grant saw the half of the driver torso missing and immediately turned and pulled me to turn and head back to the car.. we both saw more than anything we ever needed to.

But this just helped me really get a grip on things lately. Dont rush, rushing never gets you anywhere quicker, it just heightens your chances of failure. Live eveery moment like its your last, don't take anything for granted.. you never know when you might be torn limb from limb.

:::[10.Mar.08]:::

I'm a boy.
An optimist,
forgiver,
social butterfly,
but sometimes it all bites me in the ass with its darkside.

Came home last night to find grant sobbing with a beer next to the fire.. Said yesterday he could just feel the sorrow through the walls of the house.. and when i was leaving last night i was talkin to him and had to walk away cause i started getting choked up real bad.. he says it was then on he kinda lost it.

Dont remember if i even slept last night.. last time i saw the clock was 4:30.. then about 7:10. Dreams rushed me of the apocalypse. i was all on my own and got jumped by 3 desperate guys. the only thing they took was my fone. Which was worthless. i was left for dead in a public bathroom.

I lost my boat. This hollow feeling inside is overwhelming.. fear that even the sun will never feel warm again. Music will never sound again.. these little fingers are so alone now. i'm drifting.. without my boat. forgotten too long ago how to swim. For so long i swam thinking i wouldnt ever need a boat. now my entire forsight has to be adjusted cause all the adventures i envisioned.. i envisioned with my boat.

**Update** Every storm has a moment of light shine afterward. as much things still hurt. i had an amazing talk with jyn. we were both smiling at the end of it.

:::[27.Feb.08]:::

Ok it's cheap pizza day. 2nd.. honey and cinnamon can cure aids.

Who wants a Laptop thats the size of a book for under $400?!? Asus eeePc

Whats been new with me? I've recently been helpin a buddy of mine re-enact the war of the worlds radio show as a stage production.. this is inbetween training. Thats right, i'm back at it. learning the ins an outs of the ruthlessness that is kill or be killed.

Speakin of, Theres a new Post Apoc movie coming.. and my god does it look good. Thanx jynface

And to add, chritian BALE will be leading a Post Apoc army through the wilderness of NM in the next Terminator Film

:::[14.Feb.08]:::

Shoshin

:::[13.Feb.08]:::

Stress: in science its decribed as Force per unit of Area. This can be translated to Pressure per Capacity.. which almost corlates completely with the medical definition :"stress is the disruption of homeostasis through physical or psychological stimuli. "

Theres alot in the mechanical world (which i seem to sometimes understand far more than the people world) That has stress factors that like most things, can be good in the right circumstance.. though in excess this pressure can be detrimental. Look at a piston in a combustion engine. The explosive pressure of the combustion itself produces the productive force that cracks the shaft moving the car. But in excess you'll find it'll crack the block, or blow a rod through the hood. The trick in most cases is finding ways to releive this pressure. Not too much mind you or the engine becomes inefficient.. but enough to where you won't experience a meltdown. Oil. Fans. Both are there to cool the excessive stress that comes in the form of heat. Just one Form of stress in the mechanical world. It's amazing to see an entire cluster of servers come to a crashing hault because one machine had a fan crash, which in turn allowed that machine to become the victim of its own stress. Data loss, corrupted network traffic, even a mouse that goes on crack, all due to something simple like a fan not properly venting stress away.

Stress can be the leading cause of death for many creatures. It eats at the immune system. Degenerates the body and mind leaving us vurnerable to factors that normally would be easy to overcome. Myself included. Tossing and turning doesnt help one sleep. Lack of sleep doesnt really help the troublesolving abilty.

Lower the tempature, relieve the pressure, reduce the load. Many things can be done to help deter stress. Relax. Take a deep breath. Hold it in. Let your shoulders drop. Go find a creekside rock and listen to the water. Watch a goofy youtube video, have a laugh. In fact theres a whole style of zen meditation that revolves around the healing benefits of laughter. Make a fire. Feed some friends. (not to the fire.. unless you feel it helps your stress)

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